Thursday, September 5, 2013

The confessions of an introvert

I was scrolling through TED's Youtube channel and I found this: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=C3yqXeLJ0Kg and I was slowly inspired a bit write the rest of this post. That guy is right, we way undervalue mental health- even the kinds that are rarely dangerous but which make our minds oppressed and a pain to deal with every day. The larger proportion of people who engage with their own minds less, because that how's their mental make up is (not something that's supposed to be in anyway condescending), don't and won't ever understand the plight of the rest. It's hardly expected that they will be inclined to at all. Such is the stuff of life for this minority of people. What effort we make from both ends is the next topic of discussion.       

For about a year, upto sometime ago, I was undergoing enough of that stress to write this. It left me, excuse my french, postively mindf#&%*d. I was in a house that was a screamfest, in addition to being a fussfest and an obssessfest for most part of the day. Many things were unveiled about myself that I hadn't seen before but they weren't totally surprising. This was being pushed to the hilt, literally! I realised that people like me, probably due to the vulnerability our minds have to get used to ever since, build little rooms - like chambers in chambers in chambers in chambers in our heads... as vulnerable as we end up being till we reach some point where we are aware of it it, regardless how successful we end up being at managing and adapting to the larger louder, noisier and activity fraught world around us.

Like how we see offices of rich successful men (eg. Batman included), we just slip in to the next one when our minds get weary of what we end up being exposed to. We do this reflexively. Given our circumstances we have zero protection from incessant noise and activity, be it head noise or actual noise. And as expected, as we do this often enough, we end up having to ensure our sanity which leads to our partiucular (or peculiar) habits being built.                    

What happened with me is that I had to change inner chambers so often that the very point of having them was defeated... to a point that there were none left to resort to. I was crucified in my own little end-of-chambers secret chamber, right up against the wall most of the time.What's the point of a inner chamber if it's not respected?

Now that it's all over, coming back out is like an ordeal in itself. It's like you are in a long, deep, dark cave and you can see the light at the end where the cave opens out. And you're taking one step at a time towards the light, freeing yourself from your own prison - something that is not the result of your own doing, but something that is the result of someone else's privileges being rightfully taken. The question that remains to be asked is who set those privileges in place, and who apportioned the entitlement? Was I to pin a badge around me that asks people to be as sensitive, or was I to go around asking people whether they want to check their efficiency of their own actions on themselves and their goals and purposes?

I'm reading a book by E. Stanley Jones that says that when we abandon God, and we pursue lives in gay abandon for long, when we realise we need to come back, we find an absence of God Himself. The same analogy here. That I've been locked in my little inner chamber for as long leaves me both vaguely familiar and unfamiliar with the world that I am reacquainting myself now. Presumed decisions to converse and communicate with people with whom I would otherwise simply do so are multi-prethoughtabout affairs. Most of the time, I want to be sure I have the mental energy to support an interest to carry the conversation through. And most of the time, I don't. It's become scary territory to step into. Decisions to "get down to business" (once again, in this case) have a prerequisite of buffer zones that go way beyond the actual activity. The effort it takes to actually create them in a today's real world means it's a big step to make even a small step of even the smallest significance and progress in life.

Some people act from their head and their heads need to primarily be in fully working order for anything else to follow. While some people aren't so, a reasonably large bunch of people are so. And it's like denying them to the right to a happy life, all this ignorance is.

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