Saturday, March 10, 2018

The Modern Indian Politician's rule book

Nowadays politics is a hard game but that doesn't mean everyone who gets in bypasses the merit test. When power's in play, the human is spurred to get their bite. And since it's full up and there's way more competition than just the top layer you see, there is an intermediate dynamic that has driven and taught people a few survival tactics. It's almost become like a call centre employee rule response guide that can sometimes be hilarious and true, at the same time. Note: we're saying nothing about how much sense they make or whether they should even be endorsed. Here are just some of the entries you'd find in there.

Foot-in-mouth: This is suggested when you need to a big presence but you don't have one. Just go for it. The limelight is far more important. Your intelligence may see some sunlight but that's alright. Don't let that bother you. Just go straight back into your hole after. The thumb rule is to get all the attention you need from a passing momentous opportunity. As far as your intelligence is concerned, don't worry about it. You may just feel a little dizzy but you'll go back to being your old stupid self in no time.

Out of context: Here's a trick that will save you from the trouble of pre-thinking and being generally aware. If in case you're caught red lipped, just say you were quoted out of context. To give your context, you can immediately say a number of things: the people I was speaking to understood it right, it makes sense when heard with all the points that I made or I was referring to the larger picture... anything that gets you off the hook. 

I need to pay toll?!: Use this one when you're an absolute nobody. Yes, I know you also pay taxes and use good highways where you find them but let's ignore that for a prosperous career in politics. If you don't happen to pass a toll booth (or just reroute so you do), create a scene there. I won't give you a "how" to do this because it's always better completely left to your own imagination. Just make sure you get on the news! In most cases, you will even if you forget to manage it beforehand. So don't let it bother you if you can't. Just break a few glass panes, thrash at least one computer and make one person bleed (the idea is not to have a massacre). Remember, you're just looking for really cheap, toll-free publicity. 

The slap: The classic one. This one doesn't need a setup. Two steps: get mad and fadak! Put some power onto the action. Try and get some fireworks without actual fireworks. Preferably do it to someone for a whimsical reason. Make sure she/he's a public servant. On a private professional, you need a bigger reason, but make sure your landing is as powerful. Don't over think any of it but. Just go with the opportunity. 

The clarification: One of the cheapest ways to repair the damage you've done with a statement that you made. Just say something that's more tangible. Be diplomatic and give people what they've been demanding to hear. Good examples of this are statements like I'm sorry if what I said actually hurt someone or I did not intend to offend anyone intentionally. If in doubt whether it's good enough, run it by your party unit head to check. But never make the mistake of taking back your statement. That undoes any progress you've made.

Let me really show you who I am: You don't need any introduction to this one! Throw your weight around as much as necessary, even if you don't actually have any pull. You'll get your support from the party local office.

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